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New?

Ok. Well I actually forgot about this, and how much it had helped me in the past. I suppose I’ve covered everything that’s up with me before and I’m sick of myself.

28 and hating all my entire shit.

I’m in a new rabbit hole of conspiracy and freaking myself out, I’m sort of hiding now.

On a lighter note:

I still have standing up boobs so that’s a win I suppose.

I’m sitting on my bed contemplating stupid crap like spiders who are the reason for human life.

Still no friends, so I don’t have to do the central perk thing. (I don’t like sitting, standing, talking, listening, trying to help, asking for help or all that)

Oh I forgot about my posts about stuff I hate. Look up for a quick refresher. Nah here’s some:

Sitting, sorting, sports, shouting, questions, answers, phone calls, standing, standing up for anyone, people who say “let me think on that” (on what? Are you getting on top of something you piss bowl), pants as trousers not undies, intended recipients, understanding words, thesaurus, dinosaurs, ghosts, ghouls, magnets, magnifying bugs anddddddddddd trying to think sleep.

Ok moans enough. Hi everyone, it’s been a while….. since I could… hold my head up high, it’s been a while… since I first saw you.

Sorry. I talk to myself for reflection. I reflect badly.

Bye kiss kiss cuddle..

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Life mantra’s, or not.

So I was looking online, just doing my usual wander around. And I came across these life mantra’s. I know people use these all the time and they help them in their lives. I found a few that were, to be honest, bloody ridiculous. Here’s a few:

Now really? I think that would be obvious to not be a stagnant pond. Although I’ve taken these literally and I think “having no current and often having an unpleasant smell”. Meaning: don’t stay still and smell.

Well another one I’ve taken literally. Easy, this one actually. Meaning: Breathe, don’t die, your life will go on.

This one I’m angry at. If you’re not a grateful person and don’t appreciate things people do or give you, then you’re an asshole and a mantra is not what you need. If you’ve to “cultivate a habit” then you’re not grateful at all, so get away from me, you greedy stagnant pond.

This one was fine for me until the end. It’s like you’re awesome keep it up!!!! And then at the end a tiny note to make sure you know you’re still a piece of crap. Meaning: ignore all of the above, be better, you suck.

Here’s another beauty. “Toss kindness around like confetti” huh? Like, how do I do that? If you throw kindness at me as a solid, that’s not very kind is it?

This one I found googling “life mantra’s” so I assume that people that use a mantra in their everyday lives have piles? So here’s a good way to start your day with a life mantra of “piles-go powder”.

I didn’t have a problem with this one but I did make a mistake reading it and thought it said “Decide. Commit. Suicide.” Not a good way to start your day if your using my version.

This one I just liked. I’m not always out to get everything I lay my beady eyes on. 

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More moans. 

Hi again. I’m here to moan about more stuff. Yes my life is this cynical. But to be honest obviously I’m always right. Wait, that must mean everyone thinks their always right because that’s what your brain would think obviously. Nah, I’m the right one. Surely. 

Anyway, normally while I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain thinks of all the things that i think are hilarious and then all the things that make me mad so I usually lie there for a few hours making myself mad and laugh all at the same time, so after a few hours I’m so hyped up I can’t sleep anyway. 

So my moans for today! Breastfeeding. Now before I go on my mad rant about this, let me be perfectly clear. I am not against breastfeeding, so don’t call me whatever it is you call someone for not agreeing with it. My point before I start my story, I am not against it also I am not a supporter of it, know why? Because there shouldn’t be a stance at all! This isn’t a new thing that appeared when Facebook did. It’s something that’s supposed to happen. That’s what animals do. That’s what boobs are for! And I know that people have been on these news things saying they got asked to leave shops and stuff. That’s ridiculous. But here’s my story:

My gran, mum and myself were going for lunch (this was a normal cheap supermarket restaurant so it’s not like “doing lunch” because we’re super fancy). So this place is like serve yourself and go eat at a table. The place had maybe 50 tables all sort of in a circle and 2 big ones in the middle for the clan of family that gather. The place was full, all old couples and groups of men and women out for work lunch or something. 

So this woman sits down in the middle large table on her own. Hasn’t got anything to eat or drink. But takes up the big middle table right in the centre of everyone. She has a pram. No one cares obviously. But I’m thinking “how rude, she sat down with nothing at the big table” so obviously I’m the only person staring at her. Anyway, she starts breastfeeding her baby, and by the way at this point still no one cares, at most they glance over and then look away because they don’t care. So she finishes feeding her baby and puts him or her back in the pram. I noticed that for some reason she hadn’t put her boob away. Maybe she forgot or something I dunno how it works, probably tired and she’s got it out that much she doesn’t realise. But I’m not kidding she sat there (with a magazine), still no food or drink, for the whole duration of my lunch! With her boob sitting out reading the magazine with her. She actually started turning to make sure everyone saw, she stood up to get something from the pram, all the while making sure all the old couples and my mum and gran saw her fabulous pendulum feeding raisin. It must have been at least half an hour. No one ate their lunch I imagine, I was so amazed that this was happening I was looking about to see other people’s reactions. The old couples started leaving quite early in the show with their heads down. The others were too scared to look incase they got a big online target on their back. The shop obviously had to leave her because of all the stuff online. What a day! My gran was absolutely scunnered, saying “I’ve had 7 kids, breastfed them all, and never seen anything like this in my life”. We left before she did. She could still be there for all I know.

There was really no point in my story. But also, if the shop had asked her to put it away would she have gone on a mad rant about the natural boob of it all and sued them. I’m not saying all online stuff is this, this is just something I actually encountered, which makes me think about it all. It’s feeding your baby, that’s all. IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It’s not new and something to show off on Facebook about. I get that some people have been put through crap about it. But people like that lady in the restaurant, don’t help in any way.

I might go there soon to see if she’s still there. 

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Things I allegedly moan about…

Yeah. Everything.

Another day another moan..

Anyway, I realised today, well my girlfriend lovingly informed me that I moan about everything all the time. And to be perfectly honest, I totally do. It’s a shame actually that people have to put up with me thinking everything is terrible and everyone is doing everything to annoy me.

But anyway, my girlfriend and I have totally been honest with each other throughout our 9 years. And by honest, I mean “does my bum look big in this, babe?” “No actually it looks like a cauliflower rectangle”. But that was a tiny exaggeration. We’re brutally honest with eachother and I love it. If I’m wrong in an argument with someone, she’ll say “you were wrong there, this is why..” that’s how things change. That’s how you learn to become a little better and not so self obsessed. 

Another thing, when you can’t take a little criticism and straight away, go on the defensive and throw insults and your opinion is right and that’s it. Which is honestly about 90% of people now, then you’re a big turd. I can’t stand those people and being around them is draining, and you’re around them constantly, family, friends, whatever. They only want to speak their opinion and then thats the right one. Have you ever tried to talk to someone about something you wanted help with and you can see them waiting for you to shut up so they can tell you exactly the right thing to do and they’ve also done it a million times. That’s all the same people. That’s actually most people. 

If someone says “I think your wrong” say “why?” Before going on bull in a China shop defence. No one’s always right and no one’s challenging your stupid intelligence and you could be wrong! That’s ok it doesn’t make you a turd. You’re a turd if you say “well you don’t know what I’ve been through” as if you’ve been through the raging wars, you’re only 20 and had your nose pierced. Fuck up.

Anyway. Oops. Yes I moan to much and I hate when I realise (obviously after being told by my love). So I’ll try my best to keep that in. 

I’m just talking straight from the fingers here so please don’t think im being all high and mighty because I’m better. I am not bloody better. I just like to say what I’m thinking and it gets it off my boobs for a while. 

🙂

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Dear Mr. WordPress diary.

Hey again. I know no one is reading my posts anymore. Which is ok because I got a little stage fright and couldn’t write anymore.

Anyway, I really liked writing on this because it’s like anonymous and it really helps to vent stuff without feeling bad. If someone wrote something horrible I’d probably have a breakdown. I’m always titling right on the edge of some thing or another. I’ve been bloody angry the past few days. I haven’t slept either for hell knows. I hate these times. I try not to get to pee’d off because it’s not fair to the little group of family I have.

My gran passed away about a month ago and it’s been bloody hard. It’s weird when people say all this grief stuff and when something like this happens. It’s almost like your whole body shuts off and you carry on as normal with your brain and body saying “nah nothing happened” I don’t know if that’s normal or not but oh well.

I’m sitting on my ass thinking about all that lesbian label stuff that’s all out now. What a load. Like what happened to just being a lesbian or gay, why is there all these different types and like “pillow princess” I forget that word already it’s probably “pillow queen” or “bed lesbian” anyway, they only like to be touched, no way they’re touching you. I’d never heard of this before but apparently that’s why some lesbians have long nails. (That last part about nails I made up but it sounded good). And they only pick like “butch” or some variation like a very specific variation called like “butch but only giving love, no love allowed here” obviously I can’t remember the name. I don’t like this. Is this pillow asshole really being so selfish or am I missing something? I understand like the others can have transgender stuff going on and wouldnt want to be touched. Im not being a dick I read that seriously. So if they have problems with coming out as trans. Aren’t these pillow clowns just making it harder for them.

I totally relate to the trans stuff because I’m a total dude and I’m determined I was supposed to be a boy. That’s a story for another day there’s too much in that. But anyway, I was totally fucked up about letting my girlfriend touch me at the start. And I’m thinking if she would have just said aw ok I’ll just be a pillow one and you do everything, then it might have ended up that way. Obviously I wanted to but I just couldn’t muster up the courage to show her things i thought weren’t supposed to be on me. But anyway she was amazing about it all and we spoke about it and she understood it all. I love it!!!! Its the bee’s knees I’m just lucky I found someone who understood me and my good and bad bits. Even now 9 years later I still get shy but I’m a little happier in my own skin. and I think all that label crap could push people further away than helping.

Wow that was long.

No offence and if I’m an ignorant asshole, that’s ok, I know I’m a black and white kinda person. it’s just me thinking out loud.

 

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Seriously though

Hello out there to myself.
This ones a bit just because i need a chat to “someone” that doesn’t know me and my inside head stuff.
Anyway obviously i have obsessive ocd, that means its my fu*king brain that does it to me. I had meds anyway and I’ve maxed the dose, so i found out that if i went to the docs they would advise dropping them right down to stop the tolerance or something like that. So i thought i’d just do it myself. I dropped them by half and I’m only just realising how much they actually helped me. Right now I’m in a massive ocd brain fart and its driving me nuts. Like how old can i get with this without actually not being able to cope with it anymore? Like I’m driving along the street fine and my thoughts turn to “crash the car, crash the car, lampost go! Bus stop go!, crash, crash fucking crash the car” and its bloody hard to control that part. Like I’m not going to crash. I know this sort of thing is usually things people hate to think about but your brain wants to piss you off.
That’s not even a bad thing though like i convince myself i have deadly diseases and can’t move with pure crippling depression of how disgusting i am. That fades too though. They come and go.
Sometimes its really like horrible sexual inappropriate stuff. I don’t talk about that to anyone. Its the most depressing part of it because i cant talk about it. And it makes me feel really disgusting and ashamed. I could be sitting having a nice dinner with the family and my brain goes “here’s a nice picture and thought for you” NOO! Now I cant eat and i want to go jump off a bridge (figuratively). I usually just scream no really loud to myself but people notice that.
My meds are down so ill put them back up. They do really help, not with all of it but it dulls down some of the kill yourself ones. This means meds for life doesn’t it?
If anyone reads this. Please don’t judge me this blog really helps with the “talking to someone” part even if it is just to my phone.
And sorry if its depressing as crap.

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Another day

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. I’ve been ILL like ill! I think I get man flu. It’s probably because I’m gay and that one of us has to be the person who needs taken care of constantly and fed grapes and soup. My poor girlfriend..
I’m also stricken with after TV show depression. Which should be a medical condition. You watch about 10 seasons of something, become so attached to it that you forget that it’s not real life and then it just stops. Even if it started out crap, it still ends and you’re left to fend for yourself and try to find another show, which is proving harder and harder because I think I’ve seen almost everything that’s on or been on.
Wow I’m boring.

One of the worst things people can ask you for “small talk”
“What music are you into?”
Hmm seriously. Who cares and also when I tell you its not pop and say bands then you get a glazed look and go “oooohh I’ll need to look that up.” Shut up no you won’t. I just say now “probably everything” that covers it.
“What movies do you like?”
“Probably everything.” Because when I say brokeback mountain and dawn of the dead I get looked at like a gross hog.
“What do you do on your spare time?”
Why all the questions!!! And anyway, these things are never anything people really want to know,  they’re not going to pass you with someone going “oh that random person I met once likes to tie knots. What’s an interesting answer to that anyway? I’d like to be impressed by a good answer, although don’t say skydiving because you don’t do that with your spare time, you did it once, and you were attached to a guy, you’re not making yourself look cool.

I still don’t feel well. I’ve ran out of TV and I need some entertainment.

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