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New?

Ok. Well I actually forgot about this, and how much it had helped me in the past. I suppose I’ve covered everything that’s up with me before and I’m sick of myself.

28 and hating all my entire shit.

I’m in a new rabbit hole of conspiracy and freaking myself out, I’m sort of hiding now.

On a lighter note:

I still have standing up boobs so that’s a win I suppose.

I’m sitting on my bed contemplating stupid crap like spiders who are the reason for human life.

Still no friends, so I don’t have to do the central perk thing. (I don’t like sitting, standing, talking, listening, trying to help, asking for help or all that)

Oh I forgot about my posts about stuff I hate. Look up for a quick refresher. Nah here’s some:

Sitting, sorting, sports, shouting, questions, answers, phone calls, standing, standing up for anyone, people who say “let me think on that” (on what? Are you getting on top of something you piss bowl), pants as trousers not undies, intended recipients, understanding words, thesaurus, dinosaurs, ghosts, ghouls, magnets, magnifying bugs anddddddddddd trying to think sleep.

Ok moans enough. Hi everyone, it’s been a while….. since I could… hold my head up high, it’s been a while… since I first saw you.

Sorry. I talk to myself for reflection. I reflect badly.

Bye kiss kiss cuddle..

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Life mantra’s, or not.

So I was looking online, just doing my usual wander around. And I came across these life mantra’s. I know people use these all the time and they help them in their lives. I found a few that were, to be honest, bloody ridiculous. Here’s a few:

Now really? I think that would be obvious to not be a stagnant pond. Although I’ve taken these literally and I think “having no current and often having an unpleasant smell”. Meaning: don’t stay still and smell.

Well another one I’ve taken literally. Easy, this one actually. Meaning: Breathe, don’t die, your life will go on.

This one I’m angry at. If you’re not a grateful person and don’t appreciate things people do or give you, then you’re an asshole and a mantra is not what you need. If you’ve to “cultivate a habit” then you’re not grateful at all, so get away from me, you greedy stagnant pond.

This one was fine for me until the end. It’s like you’re awesome keep it up!!!! And then at the end a tiny note to make sure you know you’re still a piece of crap. Meaning: ignore all of the above, be better, you suck.

Here’s another beauty. “Toss kindness around like confetti” huh? Like, how do I do that? If you throw kindness at me as a solid, that’s not very kind is it?

This one I found googling “life mantra’s” so I assume that people that use a mantra in their everyday lives have piles? So here’s a good way to start your day with a life mantra of “piles-go powder”.

I didn’t have a problem with this one but I did make a mistake reading it and thought it said “Decide. Commit. Suicide.” Not a good way to start your day if your using my version.

This one I just liked. I’m not always out to get everything I lay my beady eyes on. 

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More moans. 

Hi again. I’m here to moan about more stuff. Yes my life is this cynical. But to be honest obviously I’m always right. Wait, that must mean everyone thinks their always right because that’s what your brain would think obviously. Nah, I’m the right one. Surely. 

Anyway, normally while I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain thinks of all the things that i think are hilarious and then all the things that make me mad so I usually lie there for a few hours making myself mad and laugh all at the same time, so after a few hours I’m so hyped up I can’t sleep anyway. 

So my moans for today! Breastfeeding. Now before I go on my mad rant about this, let me be perfectly clear. I am not against breastfeeding, so don’t call me whatever it is you call someone for not agreeing with it. My point before I start my story, I am not against it also I am not a supporter of it, know why? Because there shouldn’t be a stance at all! This isn’t a new thing that appeared when Facebook did. It’s something that’s supposed to happen. That’s what animals do. That’s what boobs are for! And I know that people have been on these news things saying they got asked to leave shops and stuff. That’s ridiculous. But here’s my story:

My gran, mum and myself were going for lunch (this was a normal cheap supermarket restaurant so it’s not like “doing lunch” because we’re super fancy). So this place is like serve yourself and go eat at a table. The place had maybe 50 tables all sort of in a circle and 2 big ones in the middle for the clan of family that gather. The place was full, all old couples and groups of men and women out for work lunch or something. 

So this woman sits down in the middle large table on her own. Hasn’t got anything to eat or drink. But takes up the big middle table right in the centre of everyone. She has a pram. No one cares obviously. But I’m thinking “how rude, she sat down with nothing at the big table” so obviously I’m the only person staring at her. Anyway, she starts breastfeeding her baby, and by the way at this point still no one cares, at most they glance over and then look away because they don’t care. So she finishes feeding her baby and puts him or her back in the pram. I noticed that for some reason she hadn’t put her boob away. Maybe she forgot or something I dunno how it works, probably tired and she’s got it out that much she doesn’t realise. But I’m not kidding she sat there (with a magazine), still no food or drink, for the whole duration of my lunch! With her boob sitting out reading the magazine with her. She actually started turning to make sure everyone saw, she stood up to get something from the pram, all the while making sure all the old couples and my mum and gran saw her fabulous pendulum feeding raisin. It must have been at least half an hour. No one ate their lunch I imagine, I was so amazed that this was happening I was looking about to see other people’s reactions. The old couples started leaving quite early in the show with their heads down. The others were too scared to look incase they got a big online target on their back. The shop obviously had to leave her because of all the stuff online. What a day! My gran was absolutely scunnered, saying “I’ve had 7 kids, breastfed them all, and never seen anything like this in my life”. We left before she did. She could still be there for all I know.

There was really no point in my story. But also, if the shop had asked her to put it away would she have gone on a mad rant about the natural boob of it all and sued them. I’m not saying all online stuff is this, this is just something I actually encountered, which makes me think about it all. It’s feeding your baby, that’s all. IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It’s not new and something to show off on Facebook about. I get that some people have been put through crap about it. But people like that lady in the restaurant, don’t help in any way.

I might go there soon to see if she’s still there. 

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Things I allegedly moan about…

Yeah. Everything.

Another day another moan..

Anyway, I realised today, well my girlfriend lovingly informed me that I moan about everything all the time. And to be perfectly honest, I totally do. It’s a shame actually that people have to put up with me thinking everything is terrible and everyone is doing everything to annoy me.

But anyway, my girlfriend and I have totally been honest with each other throughout our 9 years. And by honest, I mean “does my bum look big in this, babe?” “No actually it looks like a cauliflower rectangle”. But that was a tiny exaggeration. We’re brutally honest with eachother and I love it. If I’m wrong in an argument with someone, she’ll say “you were wrong there, this is why..” that’s how things change. That’s how you learn to become a little better and not so self obsessed. 

Another thing, when you can’t take a little criticism and straight away, go on the defensive and throw insults and your opinion is right and that’s it. Which is honestly about 90% of people now, then you’re a big turd. I can’t stand those people and being around them is draining, and you’re around them constantly, family, friends, whatever. They only want to speak their opinion and then thats the right one. Have you ever tried to talk to someone about something you wanted help with and you can see them waiting for you to shut up so they can tell you exactly the right thing to do and they’ve also done it a million times. That’s all the same people. That’s actually most people. 

If someone says “I think your wrong” say “why?” Before going on bull in a China shop defence. No one’s always right and no one’s challenging your stupid intelligence and you could be wrong! That’s ok it doesn’t make you a turd. You’re a turd if you say “well you don’t know what I’ve been through” as if you’ve been through the raging wars, you’re only 20 and had your nose pierced. Fuck up.

Anyway. Oops. Yes I moan to much and I hate when I realise (obviously after being told by my love). So I’ll try my best to keep that in. 

I’m just talking straight from the fingers here so please don’t think im being all high and mighty because I’m better. I am not bloody better. I just like to say what I’m thinking and it gets it off my boobs for a while. 

🙂

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Another day

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. I’ve been ILL like ill! I think I get man flu. It’s probably because I’m gay and that one of us has to be the person who needs taken care of constantly and fed grapes and soup. My poor girlfriend..
I’m also stricken with after TV show depression. Which should be a medical condition. You watch about 10 seasons of something, become so attached to it that you forget that it’s not real life and then it just stops. Even if it started out crap, it still ends and you’re left to fend for yourself and try to find another show, which is proving harder and harder because I think I’ve seen almost everything that’s on or been on.
Wow I’m boring.

One of the worst things people can ask you for “small talk”
“What music are you into?”
Hmm seriously. Who cares and also when I tell you its not pop and say bands then you get a glazed look and go “oooohh I’ll need to look that up.” Shut up no you won’t. I just say now “probably everything” that covers it.
“What movies do you like?”
“Probably everything.” Because when I say brokeback mountain and dawn of the dead I get looked at like a gross hog.
“What do you do on your spare time?”
Why all the questions!!! And anyway, these things are never anything people really want to know,  they’re not going to pass you with someone going “oh that random person I met once likes to tie knots. What’s an interesting answer to that anyway? I’d like to be impressed by a good answer, although don’t say skydiving because you don’t do that with your spare time, you did it once, and you were attached to a guy, you’re not making yourself look cool.

I still don’t feel well. I’ve ran out of TV and I need some entertainment.

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Bothersome.

I had this job a few years back. A good one actually admin in a very big company, but the problem was no one knew what was up with me and never understood what I was about. I worked in an office with 3 ladies and 3 men, groups are hard for me but small ones are worse especially if you’ve been there 2 years and still can’t talk to anyone. I think I said once “I love kidney beans” and that was it. Anyway my mum was working there with me so I always had her there if I needed to run away and seek mummy. But my mum left. I was alone! I think I made it maybe another 6 months, which was the absolute maximum I could do, my hair fell out I was crying all the time I still couldn’t talk to anyone at all! Like going in every morning was like walking into the first day, the same feelings, those bad butterflies that make you want to be sick. Everyday starting a new job but with the same people who you should be really close with now and you can’t say one word to them because you have no words to give. Sometimes I’d wake up and be like, this day I’m doing it. And stroll off all happy and determined working out my words on the way to work and as soon as you open the door BLANK! and they don’t know what the hell that’s about. I did the work, well, the stuff i could manage without having to ask for help. The big finisher was, I had an invoice to deal with and that involved asking for help, so obviously I hid it in the bottom of a drawer and when the manager came in maybe a month later and asked where it was I just said I didn’t know because I was too scared, I know that sounds out of order on my part because I lied, but it’s the thing I do when I’m stuck. So I ran away that day and never went back. I’d had enough of myself. And I actually felt really bad about all the stuff I’d done and not being able to stop my subconscious asshole from doing it anyway. If anyone else is like this I’d like to hear about it.

Another one. Even if I manage to do something. Like now I’m going to a martial arts class with my little brother (as my protector and my pillar of confidence) and because of my meds I can string a few embarrassing words together. They ask me on the night out for drinks. That’s a huge run away. I can’t talk to people at all!! Why does this keep happening! I think they do quite like me because sometimes people just want to talk and I’m the only person that’s listening, that’s only because I don’t have any words to say anyway, but I think they like that, and then we’re supposed to be friends and do normal stuff.
The big thing is accepting who you are and all that nonsense, I’m quite happy really, but the outside people will never go away so this will be one I carry for life, that’s a bit rubbish. And I’ve spoke to everyone that’s ever seen me medically and said this crap about breathing better but that does no good, one said “ask them if they like take that”, come on really. Now I probably will. Theres no helping this part it just is.
That was depressing.
I wish I had a joke now.
And I fucking hate take that!

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Clocks.

No clock, I was just looking at one. Saying something stupid normally starts me talking or writing or whatever. See I’m doing it now.
Thoughts going through my head, how come every clock in the bloody world always tick at different times so you have one big massive click when there’s silence. Aw I was thinking about clocks. Another thought. Why does it always rain on me?
I always get this thing where I do something stupid on repeat even when it starts to hurt. It’s always different, stupid stuff like clenching my jaw, and I do it till it drives me crazy, then after a month or so of really doing my own head in, I stop it because I must forget. It’s like when you have something sore and you have to press it to make sure it still hurts. It’s like that but constant actual constant. I used to focus my eyes in and out when I was young, because I had to do some damage. I need glasses now so that’s kind of the crap I do. I know it sounds so so silly and its not a problem anyone in the world would care about if I say I’m clenching my jaw so I’ll ruin my teeth. They’ll just say stop doing it. It sounds so stupid reading this back. This is something that really really gets to me, out of all the rubbish my brain tortures me with, that’s the one that takes the big ass biscuit. I was seeing this psychologist doctor guy, and at the time I was tensing my neck (I know how it sounds) to make myself look like a big stupid toad and he noticed I was doing it and I was well embarrassed. Another one. I got caught by a guy when I was going through the stage of moving my ears constantly and he was like “wtf’s wrong with your ears” I have to be like aww I’m just like that. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard but I’m sure OCDers don’t tell people the silly things. But this actually takes up a lot of my stress space. So if anyone reads this and you think you have problems, you don’t know the half of it sister, people like me have to go through this! Your problems are nothing compared to me butt clenching every time someone’s behind me. That was a joke, just in case.
Remember I’m not ever serious, well the things I write are bloody real, but I try not take myself too seriously, me and my girlfriend have a laugh at the stuff I do, it makes it almost normal to deal with. She thinks it’s hilarious when I tell her stories about my random people interactions because I am very good at doing something aspergery or saying something stupid.
Random shop lady: “hi how are you today? Do you need help packing your bags?”
Me: “no theres no windows in the upstairs of the town hall.”
Nah that’s not real but that’s pretty close.
Anyway I intelligently digress. Make sure you wear long knee socks with shorts. And stay out of the cat box.

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