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Life mantra’s, or not.

So I was looking online, just doing my usual wander around. And I came across these life mantra’s. I know people use these all the time and they help them in their lives. I found a few that were, to be honest, bloody ridiculous. Here’s a few:

Now really? I think that would be obvious to not be a stagnant pond. Although I’ve taken these literally and I think “having no current and often having an unpleasant smell”. Meaning: don’t stay still and smell.

Well another one I’ve taken literally. Easy, this one actually. Meaning: Breathe, don’t die, your life will go on.

This one I’m angry at. If you’re not a grateful person and don’t appreciate things people do or give you, then you’re an asshole and a mantra is not what you need. If you’ve to “cultivate a habit” then you’re not grateful at all, so get away from me, you greedy stagnant pond.

This one was fine for me until the end. It’s like you’re awesome keep it up!!!! And then at the end a tiny note to make sure you know you’re still a piece of crap. Meaning: ignore all of the above, be better, you suck.

Here’s another beauty. “Toss kindness around like confetti” huh? Like, how do I do that? If you throw kindness at me as a solid, that’s not very kind is it?

This one I found googling “life mantra’s” so I assume that people that use a mantra in their everyday lives have piles? So here’s a good way to start your day with a life mantra of “piles-go powder”.

I didn’t have a problem with this one but I did make a mistake reading it and thought it said “Decide. Commit. Suicide.” Not a good way to start your day if your using my version.

This one I just liked. I’m not always out to get everything I lay my beady eyes on. 

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More moans. 

Hi again. I’m here to moan about more stuff. Yes my life is this cynical. But to be honest obviously I’m always right. Wait, that must mean everyone thinks their always right because that’s what your brain would think obviously. Nah, I’m the right one. Surely. 

Anyway, normally while I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain thinks of all the things that i think are hilarious and then all the things that make me mad so I usually lie there for a few hours making myself mad and laugh all at the same time, so after a few hours I’m so hyped up I can’t sleep anyway. 

So my moans for today! Breastfeeding. Now before I go on my mad rant about this, let me be perfectly clear. I am not against breastfeeding, so don’t call me whatever it is you call someone for not agreeing with it. My point before I start my story, I am not against it also I am not a supporter of it, know why? Because there shouldn’t be a stance at all! This isn’t a new thing that appeared when Facebook did. It’s something that’s supposed to happen. That’s what animals do. That’s what boobs are for! And I know that people have been on these news things saying they got asked to leave shops and stuff. That’s ridiculous. But here’s my story:

My gran, mum and myself were going for lunch (this was a normal cheap supermarket restaurant so it’s not like “doing lunch” because we’re super fancy). So this place is like serve yourself and go eat at a table. The place had maybe 50 tables all sort of in a circle and 2 big ones in the middle for the clan of family that gather. The place was full, all old couples and groups of men and women out for work lunch or something. 

So this woman sits down in the middle large table on her own. Hasn’t got anything to eat or drink. But takes up the big middle table right in the centre of everyone. She has a pram. No one cares obviously. But I’m thinking “how rude, she sat down with nothing at the big table” so obviously I’m the only person staring at her. Anyway, she starts breastfeeding her baby, and by the way at this point still no one cares, at most they glance over and then look away because they don’t care. So she finishes feeding her baby and puts him or her back in the pram. I noticed that for some reason she hadn’t put her boob away. Maybe she forgot or something I dunno how it works, probably tired and she’s got it out that much she doesn’t realise. But I’m not kidding she sat there (with a magazine), still no food or drink, for the whole duration of my lunch! With her boob sitting out reading the magazine with her. She actually started turning to make sure everyone saw, she stood up to get something from the pram, all the while making sure all the old couples and my mum and gran saw her fabulous pendulum feeding raisin. It must have been at least half an hour. No one ate their lunch I imagine, I was so amazed that this was happening I was looking about to see other people’s reactions. The old couples started leaving quite early in the show with their heads down. The others were too scared to look incase they got a big online target on their back. The shop obviously had to leave her because of all the stuff online. What a day! My gran was absolutely scunnered, saying “I’ve had 7 kids, breastfed them all, and never seen anything like this in my life”. We left before she did. She could still be there for all I know.

There was really no point in my story. But also, if the shop had asked her to put it away would she have gone on a mad rant about the natural boob of it all and sued them. I’m not saying all online stuff is this, this is just something I actually encountered, which makes me think about it all. It’s feeding your baby, that’s all. IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It’s not new and something to show off on Facebook about. I get that some people have been put through crap about it. But people like that lady in the restaurant, don’t help in any way.

I might go there soon to see if she’s still there. 

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Dear Mr. WordPress diary.

Hey again. I know no one is reading my posts anymore. Which is ok because I got a little stage fright and couldn’t write anymore.

Anyway, I really liked writing on this because it’s like anonymous and it really helps to vent stuff without feeling bad. If someone wrote something horrible I’d probably have a breakdown. I’m always titling right on the edge of some thing or another. I’ve been bloody angry the past few days. I haven’t slept either for hell knows. I hate these times. I try not to get to pee’d off because it’s not fair to the little group of family I have.

My gran passed away about a month ago and it’s been bloody hard. It’s weird when people say all this grief stuff and when something like this happens. It’s almost like your whole body shuts off and you carry on as normal with your brain and body saying “nah nothing happened” I don’t know if that’s normal or not but oh well.

I’m sitting on my ass thinking about all that lesbian label stuff that’s all out now. What a load. Like what happened to just being a lesbian or gay, why is there all these different types and like “pillow princess” I forget that word already it’s probably “pillow queen” or “bed lesbian” anyway, they only like to be touched, no way they’re touching you. I’d never heard of this before but apparently that’s why some lesbians have long nails. (That last part about nails I made up but it sounded good). And they only pick like “butch” or some variation like a very specific variation called like “butch but only giving love, no love allowed here” obviously I can’t remember the name. I don’t like this. Is this pillow asshole really being so selfish or am I missing something? I understand like the others can have transgender stuff going on and wouldnt want to be touched. Im not being a dick I read that seriously. So if they have problems with coming out as trans. Aren’t these pillow clowns just making it harder for them.

I totally relate to the trans stuff because I’m a total dude and I’m determined I was supposed to be a boy. That’s a story for another day there’s too much in that. But anyway, I was totally fucked up about letting my girlfriend touch me at the start. And I’m thinking if she would have just said aw ok I’ll just be a pillow one and you do everything, then it might have ended up that way. Obviously I wanted to but I just couldn’t muster up the courage to show her things i thought weren’t supposed to be on me. But anyway she was amazing about it all and we spoke about it and she understood it all. I love it!!!! Its the bee’s knees I’m just lucky I found someone who understood me and my good and bad bits. Even now 9 years later I still get shy but I’m a little happier in my own skin. and I think all that label crap could push people further away than helping.

Wow that was long.

No offence and if I’m an ignorant asshole, that’s ok, I know I’m a black and white kinda person. it’s just me thinking out loud.

 

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Seriously though

Hello out there to myself.
This ones a bit just because i need a chat to “someone” that doesn’t know me and my inside head stuff.
Anyway obviously i have obsessive ocd, that means its my fu*king brain that does it to me. I had meds anyway and I’ve maxed the dose, so i found out that if i went to the docs they would advise dropping them right down to stop the tolerance or something like that. So i thought i’d just do it myself. I dropped them by half and I’m only just realising how much they actually helped me. Right now I’m in a massive ocd brain fart and its driving me nuts. Like how old can i get with this without actually not being able to cope with it anymore? Like I’m driving along the street fine and my thoughts turn to “crash the car, crash the car, lampost go! Bus stop go!, crash, crash fucking crash the car” and its bloody hard to control that part. Like I’m not going to crash. I know this sort of thing is usually things people hate to think about but your brain wants to piss you off.
That’s not even a bad thing though like i convince myself i have deadly diseases and can’t move with pure crippling depression of how disgusting i am. That fades too though. They come and go.
Sometimes its really like horrible sexual inappropriate stuff. I don’t talk about that to anyone. Its the most depressing part of it because i cant talk about it. And it makes me feel really disgusting and ashamed. I could be sitting having a nice dinner with the family and my brain goes “here’s a nice picture and thought for you” NOO! Now I cant eat and i want to go jump off a bridge (figuratively). I usually just scream no really loud to myself but people notice that.
My meds are down so ill put them back up. They do really help, not with all of it but it dulls down some of the kill yourself ones. This means meds for life doesn’t it?
If anyone reads this. Please don’t judge me this blog really helps with the “talking to someone” part even if it is just to my phone.
And sorry if its depressing as crap.

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Another day

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. I’ve been ILL like ill! I think I get man flu. It’s probably because I’m gay and that one of us has to be the person who needs taken care of constantly and fed grapes and soup. My poor girlfriend..
I’m also stricken with after TV show depression. Which should be a medical condition. You watch about 10 seasons of something, become so attached to it that you forget that it’s not real life and then it just stops. Even if it started out crap, it still ends and you’re left to fend for yourself and try to find another show, which is proving harder and harder because I think I’ve seen almost everything that’s on or been on.
Wow I’m boring.

One of the worst things people can ask you for “small talk”
“What music are you into?”
Hmm seriously. Who cares and also when I tell you its not pop and say bands then you get a glazed look and go “oooohh I’ll need to look that up.” Shut up no you won’t. I just say now “probably everything” that covers it.
“What movies do you like?”
“Probably everything.” Because when I say brokeback mountain and dawn of the dead I get looked at like a gross hog.
“What do you do on your spare time?”
Why all the questions!!! And anyway, these things are never anything people really want to know,  they’re not going to pass you with someone going “oh that random person I met once likes to tie knots. What’s an interesting answer to that anyway? I’d like to be impressed by a good answer, although don’t say skydiving because you don’t do that with your spare time, you did it once, and you were attached to a guy, you’re not making yourself look cool.

I still don’t feel well. I’ve ran out of TV and I need some entertainment.

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Bothersome.

I had this job a few years back. A good one actually admin in a very big company, but the problem was no one knew what was up with me and never understood what I was about. I worked in an office with 3 ladies and 3 men, groups are hard for me but small ones are worse especially if you’ve been there 2 years and still can’t talk to anyone. I think I said once “I love kidney beans” and that was it. Anyway my mum was working there with me so I always had her there if I needed to run away and seek mummy. But my mum left. I was alone! I think I made it maybe another 6 months, which was the absolute maximum I could do, my hair fell out I was crying all the time I still couldn’t talk to anyone at all! Like going in every morning was like walking into the first day, the same feelings, those bad butterflies that make you want to be sick. Everyday starting a new job but with the same people who you should be really close with now and you can’t say one word to them because you have no words to give. Sometimes I’d wake up and be like, this day I’m doing it. And stroll off all happy and determined working out my words on the way to work and as soon as you open the door BLANK! and they don’t know what the hell that’s about. I did the work, well, the stuff i could manage without having to ask for help. The big finisher was, I had an invoice to deal with and that involved asking for help, so obviously I hid it in the bottom of a drawer and when the manager came in maybe a month later and asked where it was I just said I didn’t know because I was too scared, I know that sounds out of order on my part because I lied, but it’s the thing I do when I’m stuck. So I ran away that day and never went back. I’d had enough of myself. And I actually felt really bad about all the stuff I’d done and not being able to stop my subconscious asshole from doing it anyway. If anyone else is like this I’d like to hear about it.

Another one. Even if I manage to do something. Like now I’m going to a martial arts class with my little brother (as my protector and my pillar of confidence) and because of my meds I can string a few embarrassing words together. They ask me on the night out for drinks. That’s a huge run away. I can’t talk to people at all!! Why does this keep happening! I think they do quite like me because sometimes people just want to talk and I’m the only person that’s listening, that’s only because I don’t have any words to say anyway, but I think they like that, and then we’re supposed to be friends and do normal stuff.
The big thing is accepting who you are and all that nonsense, I’m quite happy really, but the outside people will never go away so this will be one I carry for life, that’s a bit rubbish. And I’ve spoke to everyone that’s ever seen me medically and said this crap about breathing better but that does no good, one said “ask them if they like take that”, come on really. Now I probably will. Theres no helping this part it just is.
That was depressing.
I wish I had a joke now.
And I fucking hate take that!

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Clocks.

No clock, I was just looking at one. Saying something stupid normally starts me talking or writing or whatever. See I’m doing it now.
Thoughts going through my head, how come every clock in the bloody world always tick at different times so you have one big massive click when there’s silence. Aw I was thinking about clocks. Another thought. Why does it always rain on me?
I always get this thing where I do something stupid on repeat even when it starts to hurt. It’s always different, stupid stuff like clenching my jaw, and I do it till it drives me crazy, then after a month or so of really doing my own head in, I stop it because I must forget. It’s like when you have something sore and you have to press it to make sure it still hurts. It’s like that but constant actual constant. I used to focus my eyes in and out when I was young, because I had to do some damage. I need glasses now so that’s kind of the crap I do. I know it sounds so so silly and its not a problem anyone in the world would care about if I say I’m clenching my jaw so I’ll ruin my teeth. They’ll just say stop doing it. It sounds so stupid reading this back. This is something that really really gets to me, out of all the rubbish my brain tortures me with, that’s the one that takes the big ass biscuit. I was seeing this psychologist doctor guy, and at the time I was tensing my neck (I know how it sounds) to make myself look like a big stupid toad and he noticed I was doing it and I was well embarrassed. Another one. I got caught by a guy when I was going through the stage of moving my ears constantly and he was like “wtf’s wrong with your ears” I have to be like aww I’m just like that. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard but I’m sure OCDers don’t tell people the silly things. But this actually takes up a lot of my stress space. So if anyone reads this and you think you have problems, you don’t know the half of it sister, people like me have to go through this! Your problems are nothing compared to me butt clenching every time someone’s behind me. That was a joke, just in case.
Remember I’m not ever serious, well the things I write are bloody real, but I try not take myself too seriously, me and my girlfriend have a laugh at the stuff I do, it makes it almost normal to deal with. She thinks it’s hilarious when I tell her stories about my random people interactions because I am very good at doing something aspergery or saying something stupid.
Random shop lady: “hi how are you today? Do you need help packing your bags?”
Me: “no theres no windows in the upstairs of the town hall.”
Nah that’s not real but that’s pretty close.
Anyway I intelligently digress. Make sure you wear long knee socks with shorts. And stay out of the cat box.

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