Seriously though

Hello out there to myself.
This ones a bit just because i need a chat to “someone” that doesn’t know me and my inside head stuff.
Anyway obviously i have obsessive ocd, that means its my fu*king brain that does it to me. I had meds anyway and I’ve maxed the dose, so i found out that if i went to the docs they would advise dropping them right down to stop the tolerance or something like that. So i thought i’d just do it myself. I dropped them by half and I’m only just realising how much they actually helped me. Right now I’m in a massive ocd brain fart and its driving me nuts. Like how old can i get with this without actually not being able to cope with it anymore? Like I’m driving along the street fine and my thoughts turn to “crash the car, crash the car, lampost go! Bus stop go!, crash, crash fucking crash the car” and its bloody hard to control that part. Like I’m not going to crash. I know this sort of thing is usually things people hate to think about but your brain wants to piss you off.
That’s not even a bad thing though like i convince myself i have deadly diseases and can’t move with pure crippling depression of how disgusting i am. That fades too though. They come and go.
Sometimes its really like horrible sexual inappropriate stuff. I don’t talk about that to anyone. Its the most depressing part of it because i cant talk about it. And it makes me feel really disgusting and ashamed. I could be sitting having a nice dinner with the family and my brain goes “here’s a nice picture and thought for you” NOO! Now I cant eat and i want to go jump off a bridge (figuratively). I usually just scream no really loud to myself but people notice that.
My meds are down so ill put them back up. They do really help, not with all of it but it dulls down some of the kill yourself ones. This means meds for life doesn’t it?
If anyone reads this. Please don’t judge me this blog really helps with the “talking to someone” part even if it is just to my phone.
And sorry if its depressing as crap.


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