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Bothersome.

I had this job a few years back. A good one actually admin in a very big company, but the problem was no one knew what was up with me and never understood what I was about. I worked in an office with 3 ladies and 3 men, groups are hard for me but small ones are worse especially if you’ve been there 2 years and still can’t talk to anyone. I think I said once “I love kidney beans” and that was it. Anyway my mum was working there with me so I always had her there if I needed to run away and seek mummy. But my mum left. I was alone! I think I made it maybe another 6 months, which was the absolute maximum I could do, my hair fell out I was crying all the time I still couldn’t talk to anyone at all! Like going in every morning was like walking into the first day, the same feelings, those bad butterflies that make you want to be sick. Everyday starting a new job but with the same people who you should be really close with now and you can’t say one word to them because you have no words to give. Sometimes I’d wake up and be like, this day I’m doing it. And stroll off all happy and determined working out my words on the way to work and as soon as you open the door BLANK! and they don’t know what the hell that’s about. I did the work, well, the stuff i could manage without having to ask for help. The big finisher was, I had an invoice to deal with and that involved asking for help, so obviously I hid it in the bottom of a drawer and when the manager came in maybe a month later and asked where it was I just said I didn’t know because I was too scared, I know that sounds out of order on my part because I lied, but it’s the thing I do when I’m stuck. So I ran away that day and never went back. I’d had enough of myself. And I actually felt really bad about all the stuff I’d done and not being able to stop my subconscious asshole from doing it anyway. If anyone else is like this I’d like to hear about it.

Another one. Even if I manage to do something. Like now I’m going to a martial arts class with my little brother (as my protector and my pillar of confidence) and because of my meds I can string a few embarrassing words together. They ask me on the night out for drinks. That’s a huge run away. I can’t talk to people at all!! Why does this keep happening! I think they do quite like me because sometimes people just want to talk and I’m the only person that’s listening, that’s only because I don’t have any words to say anyway, but I think they like that, and then we’re supposed to be friends and do normal stuff.
The big thing is accepting who you are and all that nonsense, I’m quite happy really, but the outside people will never go away so this will be one I carry for life, that’s a bit rubbish. And I’ve spoke to everyone that’s ever seen me medically and said this crap about breathing better but that does no good, one said “ask them if they like take that”, come on really. Now I probably will. Theres no helping this part it just is.
That was depressing.
I wish I had a joke now.
And I fucking hate take that!

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