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Ambitions.

Well I suppose another of my bloody problems. I always wanted to be something, when I was younger it was a police officer, then a tattoo artist, then maybe join the army, but as isme. I’m now 26 and have absolutely nothing. I’ve had a few jobs over the years, and people don’t like the way I am, it comes of very awkward and almost ignorant. So, these jobs last a few weeks and when I don’t change and they still can’t understand what the hell is happening and who hired the serial killer, I feel so bloody stupid for still not being able to say hi to people now that I slink away and never return. I tried to phone colleges and when they got back to me with help, I couldn’t answer the phone and just sat there, staring at my life ringing out. I’ve done all the courses and doctor advised places you’re supposed to do (and by the way, if anyone has ever been cured with CBT then I’d like to know, I’ve never been treated more like a disabled idiot that I did when I was introduced to this “revolutionary new treatment”). So I’m back to square one. All the people I knew from school are travelling the world and doing amazing things and I can’t even speak to my own gran if I’m on my own with her.
My girlfriend is just about to graduate from uni. I’m so bloody proud but unbelievably jealous of her. I don’t want her to have a life looking at me sitting on my fat ass while sheworks for every thing. She’s amazing and says it doesn’t matter, but it does to me.
Sometimes I wake up and think ” oh I’m cured!” Because I feel all big headed and smart and I run away out to the shops and crumble before the shop assistants eyes trying to buy a juice and end up flapping and chirping about until I can hide away again.
How can I knowingly make my girlfriend deal with that? She knows me and we laugh about it. I wish I could be just a little better to show her i can support us too.

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2 thoughts on “Ambitions.

  1. Reading this post alone, if you’re 26 you still have plenty of time, and so many people are still living with their parents and deciding their futures or paying off loads of debt that has nothing to do with their current professions, you oughtn’t worry about that, especially if you’re dealing with a bunch of psychological things as well. It doesn’t take long for your life to turn completely around and everything fall into place.

    Liked by 1 person

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