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Friends?

So actually I have no friends. Its not that I never have, I did when I was younger. I did the usual 14, 15 get drunk and smoke too much. My problem though was I was messed up with all my awful ocd thoughts and throw in i was struggling with being catholic and gay. It just happened, something clicked in my brain and I couldn’t speak to people anymore, In fact if I see someone I was good friends with in the past I’ll just hide from them or run away, because now as an adult, I can’t be shy or drunk all the time.
Normally people just think I’m ignorant and stuck up. Shyness is something that you can’t be when you’re an adult, I don’t actually think I ever was shy, it’s just that my head goes completely blank and I can’t even remember words. I’ve always been like that but that’s OK when you’re young and cute and can get away with someone else speaking for you.
So most of my teenage years I was drunk and was way too loud and did stupid stuff for attention since its what I thought was the best way to handle myself. It was when I hit 16 and got a job, sobered up and realised how hard it was, although I thought everyone was like that, so I dropped everyone in their own unnecessary, evil way, because i couldn’t cope with having to speak to people I had known forever. Even most of my family are gone because of my lunacy. But anyway do I really need them? I have struggled for years to get where I am.
I scare myself sometimes with how bad I can get if I need to self destruct.

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