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2am

I’m not sleeping so well. Really bad actually. My brain overdrives. My meds don’t work. I take too many. They still don’t work. I’m seriously fucked up at the moment. I can’t watch TV because it makes me freeze. I tried podcasts, put them on and sit still. I feel like I can’t move. I’m shaking when I move.

Just dont tell anyone.

I am fucked. I am fucked.

I can’t leave my own fucking brain. It tells me so much. I hate all of it. Nothing nice. I feel terrible. Everything is death or so messed up I can’t even type it. Constant flashing images and thoughts.

How many more times can I do this?

It doesn’t get easier it gets harder because I can’t fucking fight with myself anymore. I feel too old to be trying to keep it all back.

Don’t read this. It’s me.

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New?

Ok. Well I actually forgot about this, and how much it had helped me in the past. I suppose I’ve covered everything that’s up with me before and I’m sick of myself.

28 and hating all my entire shit.

I’m in a new rabbit hole of conspiracy and freaking myself out, I’m sort of hiding now.

On a lighter note:

I still have standing up boobs so that’s a win I suppose.

I’m sitting on my bed contemplating stupid crap like spiders who are the reason for human life.

Still no friends, so I don’t have to do the central perk thing. (I don’t like sitting, standing, talking, listening, trying to help, asking for help or all that)

Oh I forgot about my posts about stuff I hate. Look up for a quick refresher. Nah here’s some:

Sitting, sorting, sports, shouting, questions, answers, phone calls, standing, standing up for anyone, people who say “let me think on that” (on what? Are you getting on top of something you piss bowl), pants as trousers not undies, intended recipients, understanding words, thesaurus, dinosaurs, ghosts, ghouls, magnets, magnifying bugs anddddddddddd trying to think sleep.

Ok moans enough. Hi everyone, it’s been a while….. since I could… hold my head up high, it’s been a while… since I first saw you.

Sorry. I talk to myself for reflection. I reflect badly.

Bye kiss kiss cuddle..

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What I’ve learned about myself so far…

So since posting blogs and thoughts to myself on this for a couple of years, ive learned some things about myself reading them back. 

Well for starters, I am super full of myself, like I am THE ONE WITH THE OPINION. What the hell is that about?

I really am negative. I thought maybe I was just a quirky “oh you again” kind of gal. But that’s obviously why people don’t come near me.

I think I must have some kind of God complex. I am the guy you’ll come to if you want some advice and mine will be right and why is no one doing everything my way you silly silly naive people.

I moan. Way. Too. Much. This I’ll have to work on, I even made myself a little sick and thought “cheer up a minute”

Life’s a film about me. Everyone must be a little like this I suppose since it’s the only thing you really know. But get over yourself.

The point in my blog was to get all this stuff off my chest and have a little diary, but now I’m going to have to try change a bit. Damn you. Or maybe I am the best thing since swirly poo? Hmmm. Food for thought.

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Hiding or Ignored?

This is amazing..

Autism and expectations

There have been a few articles of late about the under-diagnosis of women with autism.

I’ve spent a lot of time nodding along. After-all, I’m late-diagnosed. I was raised with no acknowledgement of my sensory and processing issues. I’m one of the lost generations, lucky enough to be found.

But sometimes the rhetoric behind it all slips into a familiar pattern. I start hearing how good we all were at masking, at hiding, at passing for neurotypical. It sounds like flattery, so I nod along to that too.

Then I furrow my brow. I wasn’t always good at it. I’m still not always good at it. Those times I’ve opened up to professionals about meltdowns and shutdowns, I wasn’t masking. As a child unable to hide from the rawness of my senses, I was not masking.

I like to think that when I put on a front, and perform the…

View original post 275 more words

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Life mantra’s, or not.

So I was looking online, just doing my usual wander around. And I came across these life mantra’s. I know people use these all the time and they help them in their lives. I found a few that were, to be honest, bloody ridiculous. Here’s a few:

Now really? I think that would be obvious to not be a stagnant pond. Although I’ve taken these literally and I think “having no current and often having an unpleasant smell”. Meaning: don’t stay still and smell.

Well another one I’ve taken literally. Easy, this one actually. Meaning: Breathe, don’t die, your life will go on.

This one I’m angry at. If you’re not a grateful person and don’t appreciate things people do or give you, then you’re an asshole and a mantra is not what you need. If you’ve to “cultivate a habit” then you’re not grateful at all, so get away from me, you greedy stagnant pond.

This one was fine for me until the end. It’s like you’re awesome keep it up!!!! And then at the end a tiny note to make sure you know you’re still a piece of crap. Meaning: ignore all of the above, be better, you suck.

Here’s another beauty. “Toss kindness around like confetti” huh? Like, how do I do that? If you throw kindness at me as a solid, that’s not very kind is it?

This one I found googling “life mantra’s” so I assume that people that use a mantra in their everyday lives have piles? So here’s a good way to start your day with a life mantra of “piles-go powder”.

I didn’t have a problem with this one but I did make a mistake reading it and thought it said “Decide. Commit. Suicide.” Not a good way to start your day if your using my version.

This one I just liked. I’m not always out to get everything I lay my beady eyes on. 

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More moans. 

Hi again. I’m here to moan about more stuff. Yes my life is this cynical. But to be honest obviously I’m always right. Wait, that must mean everyone thinks their always right because that’s what your brain would think obviously. Nah, I’m the right one. Surely. 

Anyway, normally while I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain thinks of all the things that i think are hilarious and then all the things that make me mad so I usually lie there for a few hours making myself mad and laugh all at the same time, so after a few hours I’m so hyped up I can’t sleep anyway. 

So my moans for today! Breastfeeding. Now before I go on my mad rant about this, let me be perfectly clear. I am not against breastfeeding, so don’t call me whatever it is you call someone for not agreeing with it. My point before I start my story, I am not against it also I am not a supporter of it, know why? Because there shouldn’t be a stance at all! This isn’t a new thing that appeared when Facebook did. It’s something that’s supposed to happen. That’s what animals do. That’s what boobs are for! And I know that people have been on these news things saying they got asked to leave shops and stuff. That’s ridiculous. But here’s my story:

My gran, mum and myself were going for lunch (this was a normal cheap supermarket restaurant so it’s not like “doing lunch” because we’re super fancy). So this place is like serve yourself and go eat at a table. The place had maybe 50 tables all sort of in a circle and 2 big ones in the middle for the clan of family that gather. The place was full, all old couples and groups of men and women out for work lunch or something. 

So this woman sits down in the middle large table on her own. Hasn’t got anything to eat or drink. But takes up the big middle table right in the centre of everyone. She has a pram. No one cares obviously. But I’m thinking “how rude, she sat down with nothing at the big table” so obviously I’m the only person staring at her. Anyway, she starts breastfeeding her baby, and by the way at this point still no one cares, at most they glance over and then look away because they don’t care. So she finishes feeding her baby and puts him or her back in the pram. I noticed that for some reason she hadn’t put her boob away. Maybe she forgot or something I dunno how it works, probably tired and she’s got it out that much she doesn’t realise. But I’m not kidding she sat there (with a magazine), still no food or drink, for the whole duration of my lunch! With her boob sitting out reading the magazine with her. She actually started turning to make sure everyone saw, she stood up to get something from the pram, all the while making sure all the old couples and my mum and gran saw her fabulous pendulum feeding raisin. It must have been at least half an hour. No one ate their lunch I imagine, I was so amazed that this was happening I was looking about to see other people’s reactions. The old couples started leaving quite early in the show with their heads down. The others were too scared to look incase they got a big online target on their back. The shop obviously had to leave her because of all the stuff online. What a day! My gran was absolutely scunnered, saying “I’ve had 7 kids, breastfed them all, and never seen anything like this in my life”. We left before she did. She could still be there for all I know.

There was really no point in my story. But also, if the shop had asked her to put it away would she have gone on a mad rant about the natural boob of it all and sued them. I’m not saying all online stuff is this, this is just something I actually encountered, which makes me think about it all. It’s feeding your baby, that’s all. IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It’s not new and something to show off on Facebook about. I get that some people have been put through crap about it. But people like that lady in the restaurant, don’t help in any way.

I might go there soon to see if she’s still there. 

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Things I allegedly moan about…

Yeah. Everything.

Another day another moan..

Anyway, I realised today, well my girlfriend lovingly informed me that I moan about everything all the time. And to be perfectly honest, I totally do. It’s a shame actually that people have to put up with me thinking everything is terrible and everyone is doing everything to annoy me.

But anyway, my girlfriend and I have totally been honest with each other throughout our 9 years. And by honest, I mean “does my bum look big in this, babe?” “No actually it looks like a cauliflower rectangle”. But that was a tiny exaggeration. We’re brutally honest with eachother and I love it. If I’m wrong in an argument with someone, she’ll say “you were wrong there, this is why..” that’s how things change. That’s how you learn to become a little better and not so self obsessed. 

Another thing, when you can’t take a little criticism and straight away, go on the defensive and throw insults and your opinion is right and that’s it. Which is honestly about 90% of people now, then you’re a big turd. I can’t stand those people and being around them is draining, and you’re around them constantly, family, friends, whatever. They only want to speak their opinion and then thats the right one. Have you ever tried to talk to someone about something you wanted help with and you can see them waiting for you to shut up so they can tell you exactly the right thing to do and they’ve also done it a million times. That’s all the same people. That’s actually most people. 

If someone says “I think your wrong” say “why?” Before going on bull in a China shop defence. No one’s always right and no one’s challenging your stupid intelligence and you could be wrong! That’s ok it doesn’t make you a turd. You’re a turd if you say “well you don’t know what I’ve been through” as if you’ve been through the raging wars, you’re only 20 and had your nose pierced. Fuck up.

Anyway. Oops. Yes I moan to much and I hate when I realise (obviously after being told by my love). So I’ll try my best to keep that in. 

I’m just talking straight from the fingers here so please don’t think im being all high and mighty because I’m better. I am not bloody better. I just like to say what I’m thinking and it gets it off my boobs for a while. 

🙂

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